Is it ever possible to uncouple a family and yet keep the emotional fabric of the children in tact?
No parent who is in a relationship that is disintegrating and in which conflict has taken center stage wants to hurt their children. There are soldiers who are maimed or killed by “friendly fire,” the misdirected artillery of their comrades in their direction. There also are children whose hearts and sense of self-esteem are forever altered by the friendly fire – the misdirected verbal, emotional and physical assaults of their parents – aimed in their direction.
For years society has been fixated on the phenomena of the single parent. Studies have been conducted by family focused research institutes and major universities on whether a child who is raised in a single parent household is equipped the life skills required for success. Yet long before single parenting gripped our attention in the 80’s and 90’ there was the spiraling divorce conundrum of the 60’s and 70’s. We reached and have maintained for decades the regrettable statistic of 50% if our marriages ending in divorce.
It has only been recently that we have analyzed via the adults who survived the divorces of their parents as children, the effects of those breakups based on how those adults have fared in relationships and in life. The evidence, though sparse, is clear that there are disadvantages to being a child of divorce. Children who have lost a parent in death actually fare better in life because the community realizes and values their loss in a way that they do not value the loss that occurs when a family is torn in two. The community reasons that the “kids will be alright” because both parents are still alive. However, the intangible loss of the marriage and the family network brings with it a different set of devastating consequences.
I am an adult who as a child survived the bitter breakup of my own parents. I am a first-hand witness to the loss of security and trust that arises when mom and dad decide to go their separate ways. My parents fought for years prior to their inevitable dissolution. In fact the fighting became so severe that I prayed for peace.
The persistent physical, verbal and mental abuse my mother and our family endured as my parent’s marriage unraveled was the most singularly defining experience of my young life. Given that it happened from the time I was 8 until I was 12 years old, it also was a major distraction from those events that typically consume your attention during childhood. I was all caught up in my parent’s drama, much of which I simply could not make any sense of whatsoever.
On top of that neither of my parents missed a day of work, and we got up and went to school every day like nothing out of the ordinary had occurred the night before.
By the time my parents made it to divorce court I was psychologically exhausted. I wanted them to separate. I wanted to feel safe and to be at peace. I was so worried that they were going to kill each other and then where would my sister and I go? Who would step up and take care of us? I couldn’t fathom losing wither of my parents, and especially my Mother.
Yet, the aftershocks following the divorce and their physical separation riveted long term consequences that were just as devastating as the act of physical violence that precipitated their breakup. I was scared to be alone with my father for months after their break up. Our weekend “visitations” consisted of him arriving at our home to walk my sister and I two blocks away to an ice cream shop to get a cone. It took several months, if not an entire year before the car was considered safe for travel.
Then as I grew older the visits became infrequent and unpredictable. I couldn’t count on my father to ever show up when he said he was going to show up. My sister and I spent countless hours seated by the front door, dressed and ready. We waited in vain for a man who never arrived and for a journey that was never embarked upon. No doubt he was struggling to find his place during a time when counseling was taboo and men were not encouraged to talk or share their vulnerabilities.
My rational and adult mind understands much more than my 8 year old self was able to process. Nevertheless, I am still living with the wounds from the trauma that the 8 year old girl endured. They are so insidious that they impact my decisions unconsciously and keep me forever analyzing the motivation behind my choices in relationships. Am I choosing healthy relationships to engage in where I am valued, honored and cherished? Do I treat myself like I matter? How well have I prioritized my own dreams and desires versus the desires of others? Am I still that little girl standing in the kitchen with the green and yellow flowered wallpaper calling 911 for the world?
It is the legacy of divorce and it is with this in mind that I urge those for whom divorce is the only option to at least consider doing the following to attempt to safe guard the emotional health and well -being of their children:
1. Engage in Family Counseling: Children have a funny way of coping with traumatic events by suppressing them. We believe that “the kids are ok” because they continue to excel in school or in sports only to have the subconscious impact of divorce sabotage them in their relationships later on in life. Engaging the services of a well-established family therapist or counselor helps to ensure that your child is making rational cause and effect distinctions as your family adapts to its new structure.
2. Establish Your Family in a Good Faith Community: Being centered in a good church, synagogue, mosque or spiritual community can also help you child better cope with the changes that occur to the family structure. Most young people crave a sense of belonging to a community by the time they are adolescents. By anchoring your family in a faith community that has values that resonate with your family you enable your child to stay grounded and secure.
3. Honor Your Commitments to Your Children: No matter how much your disdain for your former spouse tempts you to disregard your commitments to your children for week-end visits, trips, dinner outings and extended family gatherings don’t give in to your feelings! Man-up or woman –up and keep your commitment to your child. When you break promises or have to reschedule activities over and over again you are subliminally telling your child that they don’t really matter and that there are a lot of other things that are more important than them. This is a horrible message for them to internalize and will inevitably lead them to a crises of self-esteem later on in life.
4. Leave the Drama to Reality TV: All television courtroom drama aside, not only is engaging in perpetual conflict unwarranted, the toxic side effects of doing so will surely backfire in the long run. You may hate him (or her) but your child is biologically ½ of your former spouse. When you openly attack them through false arrests and multiple treks to domestic relations court you are also indirectly attacking your child. No one should subject themselves to violent or aggressive behavior; however, no one should abuse the system by harassing a former spouse in an attempt to seek revenge or control.
Don’t make unnecessary 911 calls regarding your former souse unless there really is a threat of physical violence present.
Don’t speak ill of your former spouse in front of your child;
Don’t speak ill of your former spouse’s new relationships in front of your child;
· Don’t talk about MONEY or CHILD SUPPORT to your child – no matter how tempting and NEVER make your child carry messages back and forth about money matters;
· Don’t have your former spouse arrested under false pretenses and then take your child to court to view their parent in hand cuffs and an orange jump suit.
Check out the book The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce by Judith S. Wallerstein, Hulia M. Lewis and Sandra Blakeslee for more insights into the effects of divorce on children who are now adults. It’s a must read and a helpful guide for adult children of divorce and for every divorcing parent.
If you are in the middle of getting a divorce, think about how your children may be faring. Take special care to let them know that they still matter....that you care about them no matter what and that they count!
"Keep it Legal Eagles!"
No parent who is in a relationship that is disintegrating and in which conflict has taken center stage wants to hurt their children. There are soldiers who are maimed or killed by “friendly fire,” the misdirected artillery of their comrades in their direction. There also are children whose hearts and sense of self-esteem are forever altered by the friendly fire – the misdirected verbal, emotional and physical assaults of their parents – aimed in their direction.
For years society has been fixated on the phenomena of the single parent. Studies have been conducted by family focused research institutes and major universities on whether a child who is raised in a single parent household is equipped the life skills required for success. Yet long before single parenting gripped our attention in the 80’s and 90’ there was the spiraling divorce conundrum of the 60’s and 70’s. We reached and have maintained for decades the regrettable statistic of 50% if our marriages ending in divorce.
It has only been recently that we have analyzed via the adults who survived the divorces of their parents as children, the effects of those breakups based on how those adults have fared in relationships and in life. The evidence, though sparse, is clear that there are disadvantages to being a child of divorce. Children who have lost a parent in death actually fare better in life because the community realizes and values their loss in a way that they do not value the loss that occurs when a family is torn in two. The community reasons that the “kids will be alright” because both parents are still alive. However, the intangible loss of the marriage and the family network brings with it a different set of devastating consequences.
I am an adult who as a child survived the bitter breakup of my own parents. I am a first-hand witness to the loss of security and trust that arises when mom and dad decide to go their separate ways. My parents fought for years prior to their inevitable dissolution. In fact the fighting became so severe that I prayed for peace.
The persistent physical, verbal and mental abuse my mother and our family endured as my parent’s marriage unraveled was the most singularly defining experience of my young life. Given that it happened from the time I was 8 until I was 12 years old, it also was a major distraction from those events that typically consume your attention during childhood. I was all caught up in my parent’s drama, much of which I simply could not make any sense of whatsoever.
On top of that neither of my parents missed a day of work, and we got up and went to school every day like nothing out of the ordinary had occurred the night before.
By the time my parents made it to divorce court I was psychologically exhausted. I wanted them to separate. I wanted to feel safe and to be at peace. I was so worried that they were going to kill each other and then where would my sister and I go? Who would step up and take care of us? I couldn’t fathom losing wither of my parents, and especially my Mother.
Yet, the aftershocks following the divorce and their physical separation riveted long term consequences that were just as devastating as the act of physical violence that precipitated their breakup. I was scared to be alone with my father for months after their break up. Our weekend “visitations” consisted of him arriving at our home to walk my sister and I two blocks away to an ice cream shop to get a cone. It took several months, if not an entire year before the car was considered safe for travel.
Then as I grew older the visits became infrequent and unpredictable. I couldn’t count on my father to ever show up when he said he was going to show up. My sister and I spent countless hours seated by the front door, dressed and ready. We waited in vain for a man who never arrived and for a journey that was never embarked upon. No doubt he was struggling to find his place during a time when counseling was taboo and men were not encouraged to talk or share their vulnerabilities.
My rational and adult mind understands much more than my 8 year old self was able to process. Nevertheless, I am still living with the wounds from the trauma that the 8 year old girl endured. They are so insidious that they impact my decisions unconsciously and keep me forever analyzing the motivation behind my choices in relationships. Am I choosing healthy relationships to engage in where I am valued, honored and cherished? Do I treat myself like I matter? How well have I prioritized my own dreams and desires versus the desires of others? Am I still that little girl standing in the kitchen with the green and yellow flowered wallpaper calling 911 for the world?
It is the legacy of divorce and it is with this in mind that I urge those for whom divorce is the only option to at least consider doing the following to attempt to safe guard the emotional health and well -being of their children:
1. Engage in Family Counseling: Children have a funny way of coping with traumatic events by suppressing them. We believe that “the kids are ok” because they continue to excel in school or in sports only to have the subconscious impact of divorce sabotage them in their relationships later on in life. Engaging the services of a well-established family therapist or counselor helps to ensure that your child is making rational cause and effect distinctions as your family adapts to its new structure.
2. Establish Your Family in a Good Faith Community: Being centered in a good church, synagogue, mosque or spiritual community can also help you child better cope with the changes that occur to the family structure. Most young people crave a sense of belonging to a community by the time they are adolescents. By anchoring your family in a faith community that has values that resonate with your family you enable your child to stay grounded and secure.
3. Honor Your Commitments to Your Children: No matter how much your disdain for your former spouse tempts you to disregard your commitments to your children for week-end visits, trips, dinner outings and extended family gatherings don’t give in to your feelings! Man-up or woman –up and keep your commitment to your child. When you break promises or have to reschedule activities over and over again you are subliminally telling your child that they don’t really matter and that there are a lot of other things that are more important than them. This is a horrible message for them to internalize and will inevitably lead them to a crises of self-esteem later on in life.
4. Leave the Drama to Reality TV: All television courtroom drama aside, not only is engaging in perpetual conflict unwarranted, the toxic side effects of doing so will surely backfire in the long run. You may hate him (or her) but your child is biologically ½ of your former spouse. When you openly attack them through false arrests and multiple treks to domestic relations court you are also indirectly attacking your child. No one should subject themselves to violent or aggressive behavior; however, no one should abuse the system by harassing a former spouse in an attempt to seek revenge or control.
Don’t make unnecessary 911 calls regarding your former souse unless there really is a threat of physical violence present.
Don’t speak ill of your former spouse in front of your child;
Don’t speak ill of your former spouse’s new relationships in front of your child;
· Don’t talk about MONEY or CHILD SUPPORT to your child – no matter how tempting and NEVER make your child carry messages back and forth about money matters;
· Don’t have your former spouse arrested under false pretenses and then take your child to court to view their parent in hand cuffs and an orange jump suit.
Check out the book The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce by Judith S. Wallerstein, Hulia M. Lewis and Sandra Blakeslee for more insights into the effects of divorce on children who are now adults. It’s a must read and a helpful guide for adult children of divorce and for every divorcing parent.
If you are in the middle of getting a divorce, think about how your children may be faring. Take special care to let them know that they still matter....that you care about them no matter what and that they count!
"Keep it Legal Eagles!"
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